Look, I solve problems for a living, it’s what I do. So, combining that talent with the absolute brilliance I possess and put on display daily, who better to put together a comprehensive plan that will finally secure our southern borders from those scofflaws swarming and swimming across the Rio Grande to the land of milk and honey only to take advantage of our, “too many” social services programs and suckle at the teat of our benevolent, bloated, bureaucratic, “hell bent on bankrupting our country” government.
Before I begin my foray into absolute literary genius I have but one question, for you, the lucky reader of this soon to be award winning composition. Honestly, don’t you daily drop to your knees and thank God you have access to my mind, wit and infinite wisdom. It’s okay to admit it, everyone does, or should.
Alright, let’s tackle this national scourge with fervor and together we can put an end to these backdoor break-ins.
First, whosever idea it was to place homeland security in charge of border enforcement should be water boarded with extreme prejudice, and more than once. It’s akin to putting Bill Clinton in charge of girl’s volleyball. Let’s put someone in charge of border security who would tackle this mandate with a vengeance unseen in recent history. The best part, the man I would appoint is an expert tracker, Ted Nugent. You heard me right, it wasn’t a typo, and we need Uncle Ted in charge of border security.
Second, the Rio Grande River these sneakers are treading in needs to be stocked with alligators, lots of them. Hey, this is nothing new, alligators have attacked and eaten Mexicans before, and “rumor is they taste like chicken”. When we see hundreds of sombreros floating down the Rio Grande and bloated alligators, well, we know it’s working.
One thing I should have pointed out earlier, I’ve been to the border, in several states and I was struck by the lack of signage. I didn’t see one, “keep out, no trespassing or private property sign”, how about one of those bright neon signs that reads, “No Vacancy” And this just came to me; it is as disgusting as it is brilliant. We get some poor out of work photographer, down on his luck to take a picture of Rosie in a tank top and thong. Then we construct thousands of brightly lit billboards with her picture prominently displayed with the caption, “guess what Juan Jose Lopez Guadalupe, all of our women look just like her, as a matter of fact she was last years Miss America”. If you’ve just finished a meal I apologize and would imagine you to be hugging porcelain and purging the contents of that happy meal, sorry.
Now, for you pacifists, terrorist cuddling, weak kneed, Kumbaya crowd I issue a stern warning and don’t be complaining later that a disclaimer wasn’t forthcoming and prominent. For you and you know who you are, stop reading at this point because I can guaran-damn-tee you will be offended, I’m just saying….
With Ted Nugent, “the Nuge” in charge of our back door, and knowing Ted and his love of deer hunting our border will become a very dangerous place for these country hoppers. I mean look, we have a lot of deer hunters in this country, real Americans. Alright, admittedly this will require even more construction. About every 1000 yards or so, we sink a telephone pole and hang a dear stand atop it. Hey, if these salsa eating, surreptitious, sneaky invaders happen to escape the alligators, ignore our signage and in some sick perverted way find Rosie O’Donnell acceptable and somewhat appealing, well they will now face our final line of defense, Uncle Ted and his swarms of dear hunters; locked and loaded. Listen up here, if someone is so foolish as to break into the back door of my home, rest assured this criminal idiot will achieve room temperature quite quickly and the coroner doing the autopsy on this home invading dreg with have to resort to using a calculator just to get an accurate count of the bullet wounds.
If we’re honest with ourselves these invaders are no different. They are breaking into our back door, that’s where the deer hunters come in. I’m betting as the bodies start piling up on the borders most of these interlopers will get the message. I’m thinking the smell alone might be a deterrent.
See what happens when a real problem solver commits vast intellect to solving the problems facing our country? You can thank me later.
Conservative Springfield 04Aug08
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