Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Obama's Stimulus Plan

Here at Conservative Springfield we work day and night, night and day, to bring you the news that you can’t get anywhere else. Well… actually… we only work about fifteen minutes, in the afternoon, between naps. Still…we’re all over this Obama stimulus plan. Like stink on a monkey… Oprah on a baked ham… or venereal warts on Barney Frank. We’ve studied this plan for a full seven minutes and have discovered expenditures no one in the media is covering. And, as usual, we blab it to everyone who will listen. Maybe that’s why no one shares secrets with us anymore. Anyway; here they are… directly from the pages of the Obama stimulus plan. By the way; were I you… I wouldn’t read this sober. Doing so might cause blood to shoot from your eyes.

1.The Adult infrastructure regeneration act. Every year at least two strippers are injured due to aging stripper poles. This act would commit $236 million dollars for pole replacement and Brasso® metal polish.

2.The un-documented worker relocation act. This act would provide $465 million dollars for transportation of un-documented workers in Mexico to destinations within the United States.

3.The Wal-Mart act. This bill would provide $65 billion dollars to train, house and equip medical providers at every Wal-Mart super center for the purpose of providing abortions at every check-out counter.

4.The Feline procurement act. This act would provide $709 million dollars for the purchase of cats for seniors.

5.The female Senator Effacement act. This bill would provide $45 million dollars for use by female Senators for Botox injections and make-up. Senators Feinstein, Boxer and Kerry would be the recipients. Congressman Nancy Pelosi shall be grandfathered in.

6.The Pharmaceutical re-investment act. This bill would provide $491 million dollars to cash strapped drug dealers from the hood.

7.The Arts act. This would infuse $37 billion dollars into our sagging pornography industry.

8.The Single mother stress act. This bill would provide $23 billion dollars for the purchase of batteries for single mothers.

9.The reparations act. This bill would provide $294 billion dollars to minorities as reparations for what, “whitey” did.

10.The C.A.R.T. act. This bill would provide $435 million dollars for shopping carts for the homeless.

11.The Basketball Jones act. This bill would provide $112 billion dollars to build every minority their own, personal basketball court…complete with Jumbotron.

12.The Oprah act. Through transfer payments this bill would allow the federal government to, “lend” Oprah $50 billion dollars at zero interest for 300 years.

13.The Red States act. This act would allow Oprah to sell all of the red states to Mexico. Our cost? No Habla Espanola.

14.The Persian rug act. This bill, sponsored by C.A.I.R, would allot $156 billion dollars for Iran to stop their nuclear program, or… at least hide it better until they are ready to blow Israel off the map.

15.The latex defense act. This bill would provide $945 million dollars to purchase condoms for Republicans. And; $421 million dollars to provide enforcement and sizing.

16.The Fruit Loop act. This bill earmarks $198 million dollars in funding to place birth control pills in children’s cereal.

17.The Facebook act. This bill provides $451 million dollars in funding for children born without faces and helper monkeys.

18.The No-good, lazy, good for nothing, drain on society act. This bill provides $219 billion dollars in funding for lazy people who don’t want to work.

19.The baby bonus act. The Presidents personal favorite. This bill provides unlimited funding for poverty stricken, single mothers who just keep popping out baby after baby; much like a puppy mill.

20.The Wheel of Fortune act. Obama spun the wheel and, guess what? The United Nations number came up! This bill provides $2 TRILLION dollars annually to the U.N. as a down payment, to the world, for America’s transgressions and wrong deeds. Along with the check, Mr. Obama plans to bend over and grab the ankles. That should make the world love us again.
Conservative Springfield 29 JAN 08

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Cult of Obama

Odd isn’t it; that a man whose most profound utterance to date, “off teleprompter” has been, “Where’s the white women Joe”? That this man; who has the experience of a city councilman, holds the dreams and aspirations of so many. For the life of me, I just don’t get it. When did we as a country look to government to supply our wants and needs? More importantly; when did we attach so much control, over our daily lives, to one man?


This country was founded on fierce individualism, self reliance and freedom from government. On the simple truism that, a citizen can achieve as much in this country as their ambition, aptitude and ability will carry them, On the principals of limited federal government, with great emphasis on morality and religion, a country in which government didn’t restrict success or punish it, nor accept failure or reward it.


Now; on the day of this coronation we are promised a government that will be all things to all people, a government that will wrest control of all things economic, blunting free market capitalism, A government in total ignorance of our founding documents or the divine inspiration behind them, a government whose intent is not to remove the roadblocks of regulation and compliance upon entrepreneurial American but instead to place potholes between barriers and to then add more barriers.


Begging the question; when did America proper go from Daniel Boone to Paris Hilton as role models? When did we slue from Thomas Jefferson’s character to Oprah’s couch? We’ve become a nation of purse carrying, gum smacking, television watching passengers; while, an ever decreasing minority of us are pulling the wagon you lazy bastards are riding in.


What’s even more indescribable to the author is this; a majority of voters elected a man promising more government to an audience ambivalent to government. Most of us know government and have come to despise it. It is corrupt, bloated an ineffective. I mean, really, riddle me this; what does government do well? By the way; Graft doesn’t count!


Well boys and girls; you get what you pay for. And; for those of you who have bought into this cult of personality over anything of substance, your will, will be tested. For, you have joined this cult and hastened to its pied-piper. You have fallen in line behind this anti-Bush premise postulator promising sunshine and lollipops. Yet, here’s the catch. When you no longer have Bush to blame, when Obama, “the chosen one” fails to assuage your suffering, when those clouds on your horizon fail to behold a silver lining; what will you do? Whom will you blame? When it hits you; four squares between the eyes, that your life is the responsibility of only you. Personally that’s the day I’m buying rope futures. Because, that’s the day a lot of you Obama Jesuits kick the chair from beneath you and take the final swing. Happy trails cultists.
Conservative Springfield 20 Jan 08

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Gone Fishin'

This just pisses me off. Have you heard the latest from our, “friends” in Europe? Since the economic meltdown these ungrateful European bastards have decided that American capitalism simply doesn’t work. As an adjunct to their postulation they posit presciently that perhaps another world currency, “other than the American dollar” is needed. A new world currency, if you will.

Let me be the first to opine in this regard; Europe can kiss my white American ass, both cheeks. I mean; I get Spain, they bent over and grabbed the ankles a long time ago. Those spaghetti, meatball eating swarthy wanna-be Sopranos’ raised the white flag soon after the Madrid bombings while setting a new Guinness world record for surrendering; Replacing the French who had long held the all time record for surrender. Quite a feat when you consider that the French constitution requires all its’ citizens to wear white underwear, “just in case they have to surrender on the spot”. Way to go Spain, you’re number one!

And; what about the French? French president Nicolas Sarkozy slipped right under our radar by pretending to be a conservative. All the while he was just the frog in need of gigging. The French are probably the worst of these back-stabbers. Really; think about it, all we’ve ever wanted from the French are those French maids; you know the ones…in the little maid outfit, sporting a feather duster and a wry smile. Well, maybe champagne too. Other than these two redeeming qualities just what in the Sam Hill do they contribute to society as a whole? I’ve got my hand up because I know the answer. Not one damn thing! Other than hairy armpits, surly attitudes and let’s not forget the hygiene. Wait; forget the hygiene!
Since Obama will never take these impudent, inbred philistines to task; I say we tourists do it. Next time you’re in France just loudly proclaim, “Hey, I love your cuisine, what say I meet you downtown later with a box of wine and some French fries”? Or, “How bout that freedom you enjoy, it only costs us 600,000 Americans, so hey, you’ve got the freedom to smell like a dirty diaper on a wet goat! Or; thanks for the statue, too bad it turned green!
While you beret wearing, Jean Claude’s have been actively changing your national motto from, “let them eat cake” to “Viva La Surrender” we have been leading the world in every form of human endeavor; you parasites have suckled at our teat and enjoyed our protection while staring down your snooty, unwashed noses at us.
The British are no better. After all; it was the British who first gave us the definition of Virgin Wool; that’s right... ugly sheep. For these snaggle-teeth, tea sipping popinjays to ever behold the audacity to question the United States about anything is laughable. This from a country which has spent the last fifty years giving away an empire. By the way; there was that, “we saved their ass from Uncle Adolph” thing, I’m just saying.
And finally; those Kraut eating, lederhosen wearing, Aryan asses, the Germans. This from a country that actually took pride in defeating the French, “like that had never been done before”. The country most responsible for the creation of an Israeli state; giving a country to the very people they tried to annihilate! And, best of all, the only country on the planet to elect a man with half a mustache.
I’ve had it with these one horse countries, these banana republics, “with snow”, telling us how to run a railroad. We are the United Fricken States of America, by God. We created meat on a stick, the hamburger, the atomic bomb, I Dream of Jeannie. We discovered oil, invented internet porn, beat the hell out of the Indians, invented air conditioning and Football. We are the fattest people on the planet and damn proud of it. We waste more than these pissants’ consume. We are number one in every field of human endeavor. In Short; We Rock!
So; listen up you ungrateful Europeans. Sooner or later you’ll produce another Hitler, another Mussolini. And; guess what? We’ll have a sign hanging off that crappy, green statue that reads; “Gone Fishin”. I’m just saying…
Conservative Springfield 14 Jan 08

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Back Off Obama and Bugaboos

Look, this isn’t funny anymore. This pissant Obama is threatening to throw gas on the financial firestorm created by his own party and we’re supposed to bend over and grab the ankles. This joke has gone far enough. And; while Barry is doling out $trillion dollar deficits you Obamalites are rocking back and forth, hands in the air, singing hallelujah. Not even you liberal lackey leftists can be this dumb. It’s just not humanly possible. We’re going to spend our way out of a recession? Not bloody likely mate! That’s a lot like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Folks, we’ve been here before; beginning in 1933. Frankie D. applied the same strategy and turned a recession into a depression. Why do you think we’re the only country on the planet to call it, “The Great Depression”? Because my friends, we were the only country on the planet to suffer it for 12 years.

This is serious stuff folks. I realize you Obama zombies feel good about yourselves and have assuaged your guilt by voting for the black guy. I get it and hey; whatever rocks your rocker. But we’re talking survival and good intentioned hope and change just won’t get it done.

This isn’t complicated. If Obama gets his way he’ll spend one $trillion dollars on make work programs. There is only two, count em’, two ways to finance this. Either take it out of the American economy by taxation or print money. If this bozo increases marginal tax rates to increase revenues to the treasury by one $trillion dollars that’s simply taking money from one pocket, taking out enormous administrative costs and putting what’s left in another pocket. It’s called destructive economics. Now; if Barry Bongo prints the money, “presumably in the White House basement” that Ben Franklin in your back pocket is now an Abe Lincoln. That’s termed inflation or two many dollars chasing too few goods and services.

Either way it’s an excrement sandwich without mustard. We simply cannot spend our way out of a recession. Try it in your household; get in debt and then spend your way out of it. Any takers; I didn’t think so.

If we start posting $trillion dollar deficits you can bet the farm that Moody’s, Standard and Poors, along with every other rating firm will tank our credit rating and that’s when it’s time to pay the piper times three. You will see the end of western civilization in your lifetime. Be sure to take pictures; you’ll need the memories. We’ll also see the end of capitalism and its associated freedoms.

Lest you think Republicans have escaped my literary foil you haven’t been paying proper attention or noticed a practical pattern. I am not a republican; not me, I am a conservative in good standing. A dyed in the wool, dues paying, Reagan conservative, and; might I postulate, a Thomas Jefferson conservative. Being that, it just pisses me off that there isn’t more Republican opposition to this Tom-Foolery. By the by, it was George Bushwhacked himself that started this nonsense with the $700 billion dollar bailout. How’d that work out for you?

So; what have we learned class? If you’ve been paying attention and scribbling furious notes you’re going to ace this test. You’ve learned that bailouts never work. Markets should select winners and losers, not government. We’ve together discovered that spending is the worst thing an entity can do in a recession. We’ve peeled the varnish off the Bamster and loudly proclaim that the king is wearing no clothes.

But; and this is most important. The B-man expects conservatives to rail and riot. What he isn’t expecting are you liberals turning on your messiah for the sake of your own country. Honest; you can do it, it’s the right thing to do and it will assuage your guilt.
Conservative Springfield 09 Jan 09

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Rambling thoughts at Random and Religion

After a good deal of synaptic, neurological electrical activity within my abnormally large cerebellum, I finally had an epiphany. A great light suddenly showered me with the bright glow of incandescence, flooding my senses with knowledge and wisdom. It was a come to Jesus moment, for me, a pivot point; if you will.
For you see; after my conversion to conservatism, and with that conversion the indisputable knowledge that the greatest impediment to conservatism is liberalism. Yet, this was not only an idealistic chasm of divide; It is by all accounts war; a war between two opposing views and denominations.
As my transformation into conservatism from a pot smoking, long haired, maggot infested F.M. radio type, usually reeking of tear gas strength body odor and, “you know the type, every other word from their pie hole is both most vulgar and sprinkled with heavy doses of, “DUDE”.
Personally, I look upon these filthy potty mouths with disdain. For; I see this type of language as a deficiency in vocabulary and verbal sloth, maybe even negligence in their upbringing. I’m just saying……..
But alas; I’m certain you are now convinced that my thought pattern has run off the rail and I am lost in the dark seeking a coherent thought. Not true and I require not, “mone me”. Oh no my disbeliever; I haven’t lost my place, I never do.
Tag back to my original eyes wide open epiphany of sorts. For literally hundreds of years the war between Liberals vs. Conservatism has been waged in diametrically distinctly different fashions.
Conservatives posit intelligent reason and views into the national debate. Our weapons are ideas. We present tried and true solutions for the ills befouled upon the masses in an attempt to educate. Conservatives put forth truisms based on proven historical context with an abiding knowledge of the intent of those founders of this great nation. We use the constitution as our soapbox and hold in reverence those men who pledged their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor, just to bring forth the greatest country ever conceived. Yet, we are a peaceful movement, though adamant in our righteousness and our unstoppable passion to get back to our constitution and everything that entails. For the most part we are God loving Christians. Yet, our numbers are dwindling. God has been taken out of the public schools, out of the public square. In its stead the indoctrination, “make that the organized scam of evolution” of evolution being propagandized to our children.
I speak to many people on this subject, more than any other. It would seem that in attempting to merely engage a liberal in religious conversation they retort and smile; as in their mind, they have just bested a bible thumper and their ecstasy upon their belittle smiling face soon results in the most damning liberal arrow in their quiver. They will quote our constitution, almost verbatim as they look smugly down on their victim. Oh, the satisfied look on their face. After all, everyone knows us Christians to be inbred rubes, living in a run down, single wide mobile home with a passel of little nippers. Liberals see the downtrodden as using our God as a crutch. Because, in their cynical mind; only the weak would worship a deity that can’t be proven with modern science.
Yet we Christians have been blessed with faith. Because with the absence of proof, one must have a deep, unshakable and sincere belief, even when faced with no tangible, scientific proof of the religious tenets Christians hold dear and give them peace and a great comfort. Yet; I would postulate this most prescient, truism. Religion; by design has but two codicils requiring an unwavering allegiance to.
Acceptance of Jesus Christ; as your “personal savior” and a profound faith in his death on the cross for our sins; without proof! I believe this, deeply; by design man was never intended to have proof, for without proof, faith is unneeded, even though, A profound faith is the bedrock of Christianity; the acceptance of the Christ child, his blood, “representing the washing away of our sins.

Again, trust me; I haven’t lost my place or train of thought. Liberals, even those pseudo intellectuals who love to spout the first amendment. You’ve no doubt come across them in your daily traverses through life; small minded, Lilliputian liberals, when speaking of religion in schools, public institutions, government buildings, and so on, love to opine about the separation of church. And, to my surprise they actually mean what they say and abide in its comfort. They are assured this separation to be in the body of our sacred founding documents, Written in stone as it were. Yet, in a way, “a perverse way” that too is blind faith. A faith in a separation that does not exists.

Our beloved Pastor Karel; “Our churches’ pastor” is well known for plain talk, he suffers not fools when relating the gospel. He is a man quickly seen to be comfortable in his own skin and passionate in his mission to bring people to God. With a great deal of trepidation and hesitancy I would submit he would tell you this; for, it is the word, our constitution and a symbiotic relationship, “a partnership between politics and religion. Our First amendment; “unbeknownst” to you liberals, “attempting” to perpetuate a Godless Society, a society without the guardrails, without morals, without God, draw close and heed the truth. Embrace it, for you have been deceived.

Let us explore the first amendment in its entirety. It reads as follows; “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

{Emphasis Mine} or prohibiting the free exercise thereof

Now let us listen to the founders whose intent scholars have been trying for centuries to comprehend

"We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Avarice, ambition, revenge, or gallantry, would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." --October 11, 1798- John Adams

“Let divines and philosophers, statesmen and patriots, unite their endeavors to renovate the age by impressing the minds of men with the importance of educating their little boys and girls, inculcating in the minds of youth the fear and love of the Deity… and leading them in the study and practice of the exalted virtues of the Christian system.” [October 4, 1790] Samuel Adams

“Be religiously careful in our choice of all public officers . . . and judge of the tree by its fruits.”- Elias Boudinot

In Benjamin Franklin's 1749 plan of education for public schools in Pennsylvania, he insisted that schools teach "the Excellency of the Christian religion above all others, ancient or modern."

Alexander Hamilton:
• Hamilton began work with the Rev. James Bayard to form the Christian Constitutional Society to help spread over the world the two things which Hamilton said made America great:
(1) Christianity
(2) a Constitution formed under Christianity.
“The Christian Constitutional Society, its object is first: The support of the Christian religion. Second: The support of the United States.”
On July 12, 1804 at his death, Hamilton said, “I have a tender reliance on the mercy of the Almighty, through the merits of the Lord Jesus Christ. I am a sinner. I look to Him for mercy; pray for me.”
"For my own part, I sincerely esteem it [the Constitution] a system which without the finger of God, never could have been suggested and agreed upon by such a diversity of interests." [1787 after the Constitutional Convention]
“It cannot be emphasized too clearly and too often that this nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religion, but on the gospel of Jesus Christ”.-Patrick Henry

“It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and Bible.”- George Washington

{Author resumes}; Sadly, it can’t resound from the pulpit without legions of ACLU lawyers Para trooping in to revoke the tax exempt status of the offending oracle. Yet, I am not so hobbled nor bound by these shackles on free speech. We are accepting a corrupt governing body at all levels, Christians watch in sadness and horror at the moral decay abounding within our society. Promiscuity, abortion, False cults in a the name of Islam, lagging church attendance, unwed mothers, burgeoning drug use, the false religion of global warming, infidelity, mans inhumanity to man, violence, prostitution, a world where strip clubs have begun to outnumber churches, homosexuality, an internet that has become pervasive with pornographic images, child predators, false prophets, the erosion of religion from our society, and finally, the tsunami efforts to remove God from government and public discourse.
By removing God, we are obliterating religion, faith, and erasing the line between good and evil. We are sowing the seeds of our own demise.
Whatsoever you sow you shall reap
Jesus said, to him who asks of thee, give; and from him who would borrow of thee, do not turn away.
Also Jesus said, Therefore all that you wish men to do to you, even so do you also to them; for this is the law and the prophets.
Paul said, he that giveth, let him do it with simplicity.
Always remember whatsoever you do unto others it shall return to you tenfold and if you withhold from others, God will withhold from you.
Brethren, never worry about suffering loss because of the gospel sakes or Christ's sake because if you lose anything for Jesus sake and for the gospel's sake, you shall receive now in this present time a hundredfold as much.

* If anyone be sick do not withhold from them lest God see it and be displeased and withhold the power of healing from you when you are sick.

* Whatsoever you sow you shall reap.----Jesus

{Author resumes}; we have allowed our schools to become incubators of political correctness. The teachers union and their incestuous relationship with our duly elected liberal democrats have a mission to completely remove God from education and replace religion with the scam of evolution.
What hasn’t been taught is that as this country became a sovereign nation, “under God” schools were under the complete domain of the Christian church. The students used the holy Bible to learn how to read and prayer was a great deal of the curriculum. Below is a history of religion in our public schools…………… http://www.free2pray.info/Schools.html

The answer is simple, really. Conservative Christians have stood idly by while God has been taken from our schools, the public square, our municipal boards, our state houses, our federal congress and even the executive branch, This in complete contrast to the intent of those brave men whom born this country. As a nation we cannot survive unless we are a moral and religious people. It’s up to us. As our pastor is so fond of saying; these most prescient words, “You will spend eternity somewhere”. “Where you spend it is up to you”. For without God we cannot survive as a country.
Conservative Springfield 05Jan09