The New York Times, Fair an Balanced

New York Times

June 14, 2008 Breaking News

Mohamed Obama

Staff Reporter

Iowa-Politics

The presidential campaigns of Senator Barack Obama and 72 year old John McCain toured flooded cities of Iowa today seeking to comfort thousand of displaced Iowans. Both candidates visited the ravaged city of Cedar Rapids. Senator Obama parted the waters with a sweep of his hand, allowing thousands of trapped residents to be rescued safely. Balding, 72 year old John McCain stopped at a local pet store to torture some puppies and later toured the local hospital where he loosened the wheels on the wheel chairs and made fun of the bald kids. By midday it appeared his holiness, Senator Obama, had driven the flood waters back into their banks and completely dried out the city and cleaned every citizen’s house. Barely alive McCain was seen to be smoking cigarettes with preschoolers and shaking them down for their lunch money. Shortly after McCain’s playground fiasco he was spotted sleeping on a park bench with drool running down his chin. An empty bottle of scotch lay on the ground next to him.

As the afternoon wore on Barack, “the Christ” restored the sight of all the children in the blind school. He then cured a leper, a cancer victim and restored the virginity to a shamed Muslim woman. He went on to rescue a kitten from a tree. Ole man McCain visited an orphanage and ordered the staff to replace their ordinary evening meal of hot dogs with macaroni and cheese to watery gruel. A McCain spokesman told reporters that he didn’t want the children spoiled.

At an evening high school rally the messianic pope Barack the divine gave a speech to high school students on the dangers of pre-marital sex. At the same rally, 72 year old John McCain showed up to the event in a raincoat and was seen flashing young high school girls and offering them money for sex. The over the hill senator was spotted later, after dark, roaming the streets of Cedar Rapids in his underwear, shouting racist’s slurs against blacks, Mexicans, polish people and Albanians.

Meanwhile, the exalted, sainted Obama lay down to rest, covered only in the shroud of Turin, 100 white doves and attended to by three wise men, a single star shone brightly over his resting place. Late reports suggest the elderly McCain spent the night with a twenty dollar hooker and only paid her ten dollars, suggesting a possible violation of the McCain-Feingold act or a senior citizen discount.

That’s the story from Iowa, for the NEW YORK TIMES® fair and balanced as always, Mohamed Obama reporting.

Conservative Springfield 14JUN08