Ted Kennedy; a premature compassionate Eulogy

Since, “in polite circles” it is a societal faux pas to speak ill of the dead, I’ll have to hurry this literary smack-down of Teddy Kennedy and if what we are hearing from Kennedy spokespeople is true; I’d better make this jiffy quick.

Sadly; Teddy has lived much longer than those who chose to passenger with him. And; Ted’s imminent demise is already having an effect on the local economy in Massachusetts. Call- girls are filing for un-employment and Scotch distillers are shuttering their businesses. Not to mention that tow-truck drivers are suddenly out of work.
Teddy, “the swimmer” and his incremental movements towards the light, “much too slow” permits us, with fervor, to examine the life and times of this silver spooned spoiled brat who set out to destroy his own country, while drunk.

The latest attack by Ed against sound government is his plea to the state assembly to change the law in re; the appointment of U.S. senators to vacant senate seats. In 2003 uncle Ted petitioned the assembly to change the process by which vacant senate seats were filled. At the time, the law allowed for the sitting governor to appoint a replacement for any senate vacancy at their discretion. A widely held thought then was that Munster look-alike John, “I served in Vietnam” Kerry would trounce sitting president, George Bush. Governor of the bluest of blue states was then republican Mitt Romney. As a blatant jury rigging rouse Kennedy pushed for the law change allowing a five month election run-off for a spanking new senator so that Romney couldn’t appoint a republican to Kerry’s vacant seat after he ascended to 1600 Pennsylvanian Avenue.

The fly in the ointment, the monkey in the wrench was that Kerry couldn’t win a game of horseshoes if he was actually sitting on the horse.

Fast forward to present day; while Ted has given up Scotch for baby food and hookers for long naps in onesies, he still finds a coherent moment to again fiddle in Massachusetts political do-si-do.
Now the moral imperative is to again change the law back to a governor appointee to any vacant senate seat and scrap the five month election of candidates. Keep in mind that upon Ted assuming room temperature the magic senate number of sixty becomes fifty nine and would stay so for five months. The words, “arrogant dying, murdering bastard” come to mind.

Teddy the, “cheater” enrolled in Harvard University in 1950, but was kicked out in 1951 after he was caught paying another student to take a Spanish test for him. Little Ted eventually, “earned” a degree from Harvard and the dean of students, “earned” a summer home in Kennebunkport, kismet.

In 1962 young Teddy was the legacy candidate to the United States senate thanks to his brother vacating it and his father doling out bootleg whiskey money for it.

In 1963, his brother Jack was assassinated in Dallas, Jack was the Kennedy with a semblance of character. {Emphasis semblance}
In 1968, his brother Robert was assassinated in Los Angeles, no character assumed or implied.

Then the whopper, July, 1969, “drunken motorist” Teddy drove his car off a bridge, returning from a local party on Martha's Vineyard. He swam to shore, adjusted his tie, burped twice, went to a local hotel, hobnobbed briefly with the clerk, and tucked in for the night, basking in the safety of his warm bed and clear conscience. In the morning, a fisherman spotted the car and reported it to the police. Inside the car was the body of 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopechne. The coroner determined that she had survived the crash and had remained conscious for several hours in an air pocket in the submerged car before dying. Begging the question; who said chivalry is dead? Eventually, Teddy, “the frogman” suffered the crushing weight of our judiciary, his license to drive was suspended.

Teddy, “the victim” ostensibly, to rid himself of the haunting memories of murdering a young woman, turned to women for comfort and nurturing. When a supermarket tabloid published pictures of a married Kennedy getting "amorous" with a woman on his sailboat, one of his colleagues (Senator Howell Heflin) remarked that it appeared that Kennedy "had done changed his position on offshore drilling." In 1985, he and Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd allegedly made a "waitress sandwich" at a DC restaurant while their dates were in the rest room. Think layers and physics without condiments.

And then there’s this, only because you haven’t heard of it, if you have just play along, it’s fun. At the height of the cold war, Teddy, “the Bolshevik” began an all out effort to work with the Soviet KGB in order to defeat Ronald Reagan. He stole and destroyed classified records from the national archives, leaked top-secret documents to the media, and pursued a plan of capitulation against an enemy we were clearly beating the pants off of daily and twice on Sundays. This from the elder statesman of the Democrat party, again, while drunk.

Time or energy, “mine” would be of waste delving further into this pathetic life, it can be summed up quite efficiently by the following; Quixote Ted has held hostage the vaunted and illustrious senate on many issues but none more than wind turbine energy. He’s just daffy about it and would like nothing better that to plop a windmill in every yard and back alley. Yet, “windy” Ted had long since fought placing those twirling electrical juggernauts five miles off of Martha’s Vineyard, home to the Kennedy compound. That singularly sums up Ted; it’s all about him and always has been. America will little miss this worthless life when he finally passes and, if I’m right, “as I usually am” Ted and Mary Jo will never meet in the afterlife, having been assigned to different regions of eternity. And…I’d don’t wish to sound completely unfeeling as to the loss of this mans life and that effect on his family. So; I’ll just end with this…May you burn in hell you arrogant bastard and good riddance to you.
Conservative Springfield staff writer