I Am The Answer

Every single frigging day we are deluged by the Poindexter, know it all, societal police who are always hand wringing about this or that. Be it global warming, obesity or the homeless, these do-gooders are always in a huff about something. They’re like flies, buzzing around, just annoying the hell out of you. Well, I’ve had it and just to shut them the hell up, have come up with some real life, “workable” solutions for most of their strife, if they just stop jumping up and down long enough to listen.

Obesity, hey, this is simple. What we need is the fat police, skinny little officers who’ll run around the community, kick in the doors to all these fat bastard’s abodes and head straight for the refrigerator. Here’s what they do, first they cut the electrical cord to the fridge and then take an axe to their air conditioner. That’s right fatty, no more pudding for you and from now on you’re going to sweat those pounds away. Guess what, fat people sweat and make their own gravy, so sweat away those pounds fatso and once a day the fat police are going to come by your house and poke you with a sharp stick and make you run around the house until you’re skin and bones. Six minute abs my ass.

Another constant gripe from these pseudo neurotics is our failing Social Security system, “its going broke, and seniors will be eating dog food, yada, yada, yada”. You just want to slap em.

Here’s what we do, and this is brilliant. Remember those Joe Camel commercials targeting children to smoke. I say we bring them back in force. Maybe even sponge Bob atop a horse smoking a Marlboro. That would be great! Think about it, we get the little nippers to start smoking in pre-school and guess what? They’ll never make it to Social Security, problem solved. I know what you’re thinking, this girl could be president. Yes, yes I could.

Okay, this global warming thing is a little more complicated but not insurmountable, at least not for my giant brain. And, I think we can kill two birds with one stone, or one stoning as it were. We all know it’s a scam, it just is, but the hand wringers are getting everything from scurvy to irritable bowel syndrome worrying about it. So, this is what we do, and, it’s simple physics. Heat sand to a high enough temperature and you get glass. And, the Middle East has been a pain in our ass since the days of Charlemagne. Math is math, it just is. We have a butt load of dusty, unused nuclear weapons and the Middle East is pretty much nothing but sand. Guess what you Einstein’s, glass reflects the suns rays. So, the whole Middle East is now reflecting the sun’s rays back into the atmosphere and we’re global warming the moon. What the hell did the moon ever do for us anyway, it makes my wife nuts once a month and I can’t park my boat at low tide. That’s right, I said it, bite me moon and kiss my moon.

Alright, that brings us to the homeless, those useless waifs. As an evil conservative I would just trap them like rats and send them to France. Yet, these whiny liberals seem to love these smelly, good for nothing dregs and drags on society. So, we have to at least pretend like we care. We don’t, yet we’ll pretend. Alright, another two birds with one stone, by the way, I’m all for doing away with birds too. Anyway, the homeless problem directly correlates with the increase in DUI arrests. Hey, numbers don’t lie and liars don’t number. Did I say that right? Doesn’t matter, here’s the plan. Let’s put the drunks back on the road. Look, even if we have to put football helmets on them we need these drunks to support the homeless. Think about it, these smelly, good for nothing homeless depend on aluminum cans as a mainstay of their disposable income. They push they’re K-Mart shopping carts up and down the roads looking for aluminum cans and since we’ve taken the drunks off the road there is little return on their investment. Get the drunks back throwing their beer cans out the window at eighty miles an hour and these panhandler pests are back in business! Now we just need to install shower stations at every other mile marker.

See, my point is this; conservatism always works, every time it’s tried. Glad I could help.

Conservative Springfield 09JUL08