Social Security and Medicare are almost broke. Soon, they will be insolvent. And, you’re wondering what to do with your elderly relative. Without that monthly check grandma will be useless to you, an anchor around your neck. It’s not like you can take her out in the country and drop her off, like you would a puppy. It’s just not politically correct. What if she found her way home? What would the neighbors think? Our friends, here at Evil Conservative Industries® we feel your pain and we can help. We’ve teamed up with the good folks at AARP® and created one of the most innovative products to ever come between you and your money. We call it, “Happy Valley”.
Happy Valley is a retirement rest home for those unwanted seasoned citizens that have become a burden to you and your family. But, we know what you’re thinking; without Medicare, without Social Security, how can I afford Happy Valley for my elderly relative?
That’s where our cost savings come in. We’ve trimmed our budget to the bone and have passed the savings on to you. But, what we haven’t scrimped on is the care. We have a top flight medical team and every one of our board certified veterinarians is only a long distance phone call away. We serve only orphanage approved gruel three times a day. Our innovative pharmacy takes advantage of factory sales of misshapen, dented and dinged medication and all of our medicines come with a patented color coded chart.
And, that’s not all! Our activities director, “corporal punishment” will introduce your senior to our wallet factory where they will be encouraged to work 12 hours a day and providing they reach their quota, will be entered in to a drawing where the winner will receive a shiny radish with their evening gruel. You’re not going to get that at the Sunshine Home!
Doesn’t your senior deserve Happy Valley? But……don’t answer yet. Let’s talk for a minute about our staff, the people who will be taking care of your relative until we dig that hole, out back. We hire only the finest illegal aliens and threaten them with deportation if they ever jab your relative with a sharp stick. That’s the kind of standards that we have. A lot of people ask us, “Why do you go to such great lengths for your residents”? It’s because we care, we care more than you.
We know you can pick any retirement home but what makes Happy Valley® so special is that if you call within the next sixty minutes we’ll include a Happy Valley® bumper sticker and a set a Ginsu knives. Operators are waiting, call now! 1-800-dump-em or 1-800-bada-bing.
Conservative Springfield 18 Sep 08
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