Obama's Stimulus Plan

Here at Conservative Springfield we work day and night, night and day, to bring you the news that you can’t get anywhere else. Well… actually… we only work about fifteen minutes, in the afternoon, between naps. Still…we’re all over this Obama stimulus plan. Like stink on a monkey… Oprah on a baked ham… or venereal warts on Barney Frank. We’ve studied this plan for a full seven minutes and have discovered expenditures no one in the media is covering. And, as usual, we blab it to everyone who will listen. Maybe that’s why no one shares secrets with us anymore. Anyway; here they are… directly from the pages of the Obama stimulus plan. By the way; were I you… I wouldn’t read this sober. Doing so might cause blood to shoot from your eyes.

1.The Adult infrastructure regeneration act. Every year at least two strippers are injured due to aging stripper poles. This act would commit $236 million dollars for pole replacement and Brasso® metal polish.

2.The un-documented worker relocation act. This act would provide $465 million dollars for transportation of un-documented workers in Mexico to destinations within the United States.

3.The Wal-Mart act. This bill would provide $65 billion dollars to train, house and equip medical providers at every Wal-Mart super center for the purpose of providing abortions at every check-out counter.

4.The Feline procurement act. This act would provide $709 million dollars for the purchase of cats for seniors.

5.The female Senator Effacement act. This bill would provide $45 million dollars for use by female Senators for Botox injections and make-up. Senators Feinstein, Boxer and Kerry would be the recipients. Congressman Nancy Pelosi shall be grandfathered in.

6.The Pharmaceutical re-investment act. This bill would provide $491 million dollars to cash strapped drug dealers from the hood.

7.The Arts act. This would infuse $37 billion dollars into our sagging pornography industry.

8.The Single mother stress act. This bill would provide $23 billion dollars for the purchase of batteries for single mothers.

9.The reparations act. This bill would provide $294 billion dollars to minorities as reparations for what, “whitey” did.

10.The C.A.R.T. act. This bill would provide $435 million dollars for shopping carts for the homeless.

11.The Basketball Jones act. This bill would provide $112 billion dollars to build every minority their own, personal basketball court…complete with Jumbotron.

12.The Oprah act. Through transfer payments this bill would allow the federal government to, “lend” Oprah $50 billion dollars at zero interest for 300 years.

13.The Red States act. This act would allow Oprah to sell all of the red states to Mexico. Our cost? No Habla Espanola.

14.The Persian rug act. This bill, sponsored by C.A.I.R, would allot $156 billion dollars for Iran to stop their nuclear program, or… at least hide it better until they are ready to blow Israel off the map.

15.The latex defense act. This bill would provide $945 million dollars to purchase condoms for Republicans. And; $421 million dollars to provide enforcement and sizing.

16.The Fruit Loop act. This bill earmarks $198 million dollars in funding to place birth control pills in children’s cereal.

17.The Facebook act. This bill provides $451 million dollars in funding for children born without faces and helper monkeys.

18.The No-good, lazy, good for nothing, drain on society act. This bill provides $219 billion dollars in funding for lazy people who don’t want to work.

19.The baby bonus act. The Presidents personal favorite. This bill provides unlimited funding for poverty stricken, single mothers who just keep popping out baby after baby; much like a puppy mill.

20.The Wheel of Fortune act. Obama spun the wheel and, guess what? The United Nations number came up! This bill provides $2 TRILLION dollars annually to the U.N. as a down payment, to the world, for America’s transgressions and wrong deeds. Along with the check, Mr. Obama plans to bend over and grab the ankles. That should make the world love us again.
Conservative Springfield 29 JAN 08