The Great Depression 2

It’s scary out there, no doubt about it. But; don’t panic, with our help you can get through this and live to see Obama impeached for diddling a male intern, I’m just saying. In these uncertain times you’re likely to discover that alcohol will become an important coping tool. After all, when did you ever see the drunks on an airplane panic when the captain reports engine trouble? While the teetotalers are making deals with God, wetting their pants and running up and down the aisle with their hair on fire; the inebriated are in the back of the plane singing, “Red Neck Mother”. All I’m saying is consider vast quantities of booze; and, by the way, I recommend Kentucky bourbon. It’s as smooth as a prom queens thighs and only half as risky.

As economic Armageddon befalls every financial sector you will suffer, “Social collapse run-down economic woes ebullition derangement” or “SCREWED”. And; while there isn’t a cure there is a treatment. Pharmaceutical trials have shown Thorazine to be effective in treating, “SCREWED”. Side Effects include drooling, lazy eye, hallucinations, hair loss, sexual side effects, seizures, anal leaking, Chlamydia, diaper rash, bleeding gums, bubble butts, suicide, sewer rats, thumb sucking, necrophilia, necropsy, warts, freckles, coma, whimpering and death. As with all medicines, consult your healthcare provider before taking any medication. If you don’t want to get, “Screwed” consider Thorazine. Thorazine also comes in a colorful, cherry flavor for children and is safe for infants. Pick some up today!

Sooner or later it’s going to happen. You’ll be standing on a street corner trying to talk yourself out of jumping in front of the next bus. That’s normal; trust me. It’s not going to be easy keeping a positive attitude with the world falling down around you. However; there are proven techniques you can employ to, “Sunny up” your horizons. We suggest Hookers. That’s right; hookers. Cheap hookers will put a smile on your face and a song in your heart. And; under an Obama administration they are tax deductible. If you’re really lucky you’ll get a fatal STD that will put you out of your misery. When visiting that hooker, be sure you tell her Conservative Springfield sent you. You’ll get a discount and we’ll get our cut. Everybody wins!

In trying times it always makes you feel better when you come across someone worse off than you. That’s just human nature. When you’re really down we suggest visiting an orphanage, burn unit, critical care facility or morgue. Once you see just how destitute, despondent and dead others are, you can’t help feeling better about yourself. After all; it’s all about perspective and your relative position to those less fortunate than you. So, revel in someone else’s misery and feel better about your lot in life. Proving, once again, misery does love company.

Just a couple more tips. Taking for granted that you will lose your home shortly after Obama takes office you’ll be shopping for an apartment or refrigerator box. Make sure to get one on the first floor. As your depression about the depression worsens, you will be tempted to jump out the window.
If for any reason you have to replace your stove; get electric, not gas. That way, when you feel the urge to put your head in the oven, you’ll just singe a little hair.
Just remember; whatever’s left after four years of Obama we can sell to Mexico for kindling. I’m just saying.
Conservative Springfield 29 DEC 08