Evil Conservative Industries

Here at Evil Conservative Industries we care aboutpeople, people who
need people. After all, they’re the luckiest people in the world. Evil
Conservative Industries is not only the largest producer of gruel for
orphanages; oh no, our company is gearing up for the future in many
capital ventures. And, with the Obama inauguration right around the
corner you’ll want to know just how we plan on surviving the, “Obama
years” and what we can do for you.
That’s why we’re proud to announce our partnership with Acme Education
and Yahoo to bring a product right into your home and don’t you want
to know what it is? Our top flight researchers have calculated an 80%
unemployment rate soon after Barry blows into Washington and a 110%
federal tax on the 20% still employed. We don’t have to tell you,
that’s bad news. Unless, you are prepared for the new economy and have
the skills it will take to survive. That’s where we come in folks.
We’re offering online educational courses that will guarantee
prosperity for you and your family during the, “Barry Years”. What
could be more important to you? For a small fee* you too can live
through this nightmare and vote Palin in 2012.
Just take the time to look through the career options we offer online
and choose the career that best suits you. After all; we’re all in
this together.

High Classed Whore, or Lo Class Ho
Syllabus: How to pick a pimp
How to hide money from your pimp
Shopping for a lawyer
Spotting a good bail bondman
Condoms 101
Competitive pricing
Product advertisement and marketing
Hygiene
Spandex
How to manage the police
How to make that corner pay

Look at it this way; The Elliot Spitzer girl made $4000 an hour.
Disclaimer, “There is no way your fat ass will make $4000 and hour”.
However, even a tubby like you could make $10 and hour in the hood;
times 400 hours and there you go!

Pick Pocket Artist
Syllabus: Pick a pocket and get paid
Grafting
How to spot a rube
Making prison a positive
The pigeon swap techniques
Pursuing purses
Carnival classics
Flim Flam Fun

Picking pockets isn’t just a career choice. It’s also a neat trick at
parties, dinners or barmitsvas.

Insurance Scammer
Syllabus: This class has been filled with Trial Lawyers

Loan Shark
Syllabus: Knee capping
Gangster Vernacular
Bribing beat cops
Cement Shoes
Occupational math and the, “Vig”
Positive point spreads for professionals
How to beat the street 101

Pimp
Syllabus: The Social stigma of bitch slapping
Popular Whore holdout spots
Tricks of the trade
Fashion
Pimpin yo ride
Verbiage; I.E. “Yo, Yo, Yo lil’ mama, wutz poppin wich
yo fine lookin self’?
Pimp walkin’
Flashin’ yo cash 101

Shoplifting
Syllabus: Grab and Dash
Fake pregnancy holdout
Where security won’t look
Is that a CD in your pocket or are you happy to see
me?
Be the felony

Competitive Eating
Syllabus: Purging Plans
Gut Busters
Tummy tricks
Gas avoidance
Keg abs

Panhandler
Syllabus: Forlorn facial expression
Brother can you spare a dime?
Medical excuses
Fake limping
Bum lingo

Community organizing
Syllabus: Rabble rousing
Effective protesting
Sign design
Tax dodges
Scamming for success
Taking it to the streets

*Fee may be extremely large
Conservative Springfield 23 DEC 08