On Monday, Premiere Obama issued an executive order unionizing the Adult Entertainment industry along with street prostitutes, pimps and escorts. The Premier’s order would immediately provide federal insurance, overtime pay and benefits to all Adult workers. The plan is tentatively named the Spitzer act. After being notified, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, “OSHA” provided the new safety guidelines to be observed by all Adult service providers.
Safety work rules would require Adult service providers to wear safety harnesses, eye and ear protection, hard hats and safety boots.
The Environmental Protection Agency, “EPA” would be responsible for all hazardous waste removal and cleanup.
The Department of Labor would oversee mandatory breaks, lunch periods, holiday pay and discount rates for congressmen.
In related news; Premiere Obama announced the government schedule of mandatory services. On Wednesdays and Thursdays governmental offices will distribute Bologna and white bread as available. Currently, no foodstuffs are available; however, condoms and birth control pills are plentiful and will be dispersed at all grade schools. Participation is mandatory!
The Supreme commander also announced his administrations policy of tattooing all conservatives for future identification. He warned the media not to make too much of this policy and that these identifiers would only be used for national security. Administration officials are adamant that the rumors of gas chambers being built are false and the disappearances of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter are merely coincidental.
In lighter news; the exalted Supreme Premiere Obama reversed his abortion fiat and will now allow abortions on infants and children up to the age of ten. Making his decision retroactive, his majesty pardoned Andrea Yates, the Texas mother who drowned her five children. An Obama spokesperson pointed out that none of the drowned children were over ten and thus no current law was broken.
Finally; the investigation into the bombing of Fox News has been completed by Der Fuehrer Barrack’s justice department. The completed report suggests rats ate threw an electrical wire, causing a spark which ignited Glenn Beck’s hair spray. Beck, in a panic, raced to a freshly painted stairwell, spreading the blaze to several floors. As the flames raced throughout the building, Geraldo Rivera’s hair exploded and Bill O’Reilly’s body spontaneously combusted. The resulting explosion left a crater the size of Connecticut where the former NewsCorp building once stood. The witnesses who testified that Rahm Emanuel was seen running from the burning building were discredited and tattooed.
Conservative Springfield 10MAR09
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