Bailouts for Dummies and Democrats

Democrats are running around like Richard Simmons on Crack and I think I know why.

Let me guess; this entire financial crisis, “meltdown talk” has you more confused than Barack Obama trying to his balance his checkbook? I thought so. Terms like the Libor rate, securitization, liquidity and fiscal stimulus leaves you feeling just plain stupid. So; you ask, am I that friggin stupid? Well, yes, yes you are. Your first clue should have been that short bus your parents put you on as they stood on the curb and waved like monkeys as some nurse ratchet strapped a helmet on your big ole water head. But hey; that’s all in the past… your past. Anyway, water head, that’s why I’m here. To convert the simple into bite sized nuggets of special Ed. Just for you Skippy!

The Libor is the rate of interest banks charge each other; if they loaned to each other. Since they don’t, and probably never will again; let’s just… never mind, doesn’t matter. Now; this is important so pencils down; all eyes on me. Oh; and set up straight, after all, humpbacks and water heads can only get work in Romanian towers atop gargoyles. So… posture matters. Anyway, the “fiscal stimulus” you’ve been seeing on television, “between Jefferson re-runs”. Actually it’s not that difficult. Think of it this way; Barney Frank spent too much time sidling Freddie’s Fannie and this made your $100,000.00 house worth about what a “happy meal” costs. Which; when you think about it, is kind of ironic considering you have to be up at 4:00 A.M. to start making happy meals. By the way; “Ironic” means it’s a hoot for everyone but you. Makes you wish you’d paid more attention in math class instead of drooling over Sally with the braces and jumbo ears.

Okay; now your, “happy meal” house is mortgaged to the hilt and because of the downturn in the economy there’s no overtime for you at those golden arches. And; you’re too damn lazy to pickup cans and too stupid to rob banks. What’s a liberal idiot to do? Well; you may have an out that doesn’t get you off the couch or cause you to miss “Weezzie” giving George what for. That is if you were lucky enough to finance your house with either Citigroup or Bank of America. Because; if you did, if you pinned your tail on either of those donkeys, then guess what Billy Joe Bob? This is your lucky day! Go ahead and crack open another Falstaff, kick your dog and kiss your cousin cause you just got luckier than an adopted kitty outside a Korean restaurant.

Why? I’ll tell you why, because they are insolvent. Our benevolent government, “benevolent is what your sister is when she lets you sleep one off, on her back porch” whipped out the federal credit card and bought both banks for ten times what they are worth. And, now, between them, they couldn’t finance fifteen minutes with the Spitzer girl if they both had a buy one get one free coupon.

I’m sorry; I just realized that you’ve probably stopped scratching your ass and now have your, “butt hand” scratching your head, wondering; just what the hell is, “insolvent”? Let me explain it this way… remember when you spent your whole paycheck at the jingly bar, “one dollar at a time” and couldn’t pay the rent on your double wide? You had to sleep in your truck and dumpster dive for dried cheese, off pizza boxes. You were insolvent! Now… solvent is what you drink when you’re out of beer money.

Here’s what you need to know. As an uneducated, democrat rube, you have all the qualifications for stimulus. And; I don’t mean what happens to you when your 250 lb. cousin bends over in front of you. Obama has a promise for you. He won’t rest until he finds a productive citizen to take from so your lazy ass can continue producing offspring with buck teeth and rickets. Hellavu country isn’t it?
Conservative Springfield 12 Feb 09